I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
