Who did Billy Mays play for?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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