And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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