I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no you cant smoke seaweed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
