i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dignity is for republicans.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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