I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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