So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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