Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't deserve a penis
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
