Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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