Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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