I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
