hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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