She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
