You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize