So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
