This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
