Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
