Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
