So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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