Apparently you make a good broom.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
