I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
