Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
