We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
