I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize