I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
