in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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