Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
