Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
