Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
