Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
