She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
