shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
