yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
