he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
