Need sex. Gaining weight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
