had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
