You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
