You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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