I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We got so high we made milksteak
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
