a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
