While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
