Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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