Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize
