watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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