I'm so fucking centered right now
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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