I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
