i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
