help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
