I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
