I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
