You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
