But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
