...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
