the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
