i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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