If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
