dude i'm inner monologue high
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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