they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
