JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
