I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
